When you experience loss of any kind you may feel ALL, SOME or MORE than the feelings listed below. No two people will experience grief in exactly the same way and you may move backwards and forwards between stages, which is normal. There is no set time frame for moving through these stages [...]]]>

When you experience loss of any kind you may feel ALL, SOME or MORE than the feelings listed below. No two people will experience grief in exactly the same way and you may move backwards and forwards between stages, which is normal. There is no set time frame for moving through these stages either.

TOP TIPS:

Today’s event will be tomorrow’s history so take care of now.

Build opportunities that allow you to make each stage of the grief process your guide to a new you. And allow yourself the freedom to experience your loss in your own way.

• You are unique and your loss experience is personal to you
• Be kind to yourself
• Give yourself TIME
• Don’t demand too much of yourself
• Don’t be pressured by others to “be over the loss by now”

REMEMBER:           Losses are an emotional injury, which the stages of grief help you to cope with as part of a natural healing process. The greater and more painful the loss the more time it will take to heal.

*For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have [...]]]> *”Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans:12v2 (NT)

*For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians:10 v’s 3-5

*”Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians: 4v8 (NT)

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I remember my Grandmother saying to me once

“Where do all our thoughts go when we’re not thinking them?”

I remember thinking at the time “oh dear Nan is losing the plot!”

Then I questioned myself on where that thought had come from, rather than wonder where it was going to go next. What made me consider her question strange? I wondered. Was I taking for granted how my mind processes and stores information? I never considered her question relevant or one that I could or would need to find an answer for, yet as I pondered it more and more it dawned on me just how much power our thoughts really have;

The power to equip or disarm us, to build us up or knock our confidence, control our behaviour or pressure us into conforming. Thoughts have the ability to generate powerful feelings too as fear, guilt, love, shame or excitement are expressed through the filter of our thought patterns.

Do our thoughts therefore act like a computer virus that invades the hard drive of our mind and wipe out all the positives? I wondered…

As I turned this question over in my mind it became clearer to me that our thoughts, rather than being stored in a huge memory bank to be recalled whenever we need them, are largely automatic responses which for most of the time remain outside of our awareness. The Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approach I studied recently helped to answer many questions about the complex beliefs we hold, our personal view of the world around us, our experiences and our learnt patterns of behaviour. These beliefs appear to be hard wired within us from a very early age, and it is only when challenged through unexpected circumstances, a painful event or an unfamiliar situation, that we become aware of what our true thoughts and beliefs really are.

Whilst time may be a great healer for some events, the ability to feel differently about a situation may never be fully resolved especially if the event is painful, traumatic or breaks trust. It is not always helpful therefore to hear statements such as “give it time you will feel better soon” or “you should be feeling better by now” because when we have experienced an emotional injury it is how our thoughts process the event that determine how effective our ability to recover from the emotional pain will be and how intensely we continue to feel the emotion of that event, weeks, months or maybe even many years later.

Example: The event of being betrayed leads to different feelings depending on the thought connected to the event and the severity of each person’s individual belief about the event.

“I will never forgive…” = bitterness and increased feelings of anger
“What did I do to deserve this…” = self blame and depression
“I must… I should’ve… I ought to…” = self punishment leading to conforming or pacifying behaviour
“I won’t accept this is happening…” = denial and delusion
“I can accept what has happened and get on with my life” = forgiveness (self and others) and peace of mind

It is not always easy to hear our thoughts because they are often so quick and automatic that they can affect our feelings/mood/behaviour before we have even had a chance to understand what has happened. The appropriate/inappropriate emotion connected to the thought then takes over leaving us, snapping at the children or kicking the cat, in floods of tears or sulking, all because a thought that we weren’t even aware of has invaded our mind and caused a chain reaction.

So are we at the mercy of our own rogue thoughts?… No, not at all, the good news is we can take control of what we think.

“I don’t believe my negative thoughts affect my behaviour/mood”
“How can my thoughts be unhealthy?”
“I can’t control my thoughts, they just creep up on me and then I’m stuck in a negative place”
“I am healthy, I think this way because I’m hurting”
“You don’t understand what I’ve been through, this is so painful”
“I’m not choosing to think like this, the thoughts just come from nowhere”

If you have identified with any of the statements above you have taken the first step towards changing your thoughts – self awareness.

Self Awareness is the  ability to listen to and acknowledge your thoughts as real and however negative or disruptive they may seem they are part of you. Self awareness also involves recognising, accepting and taking responsibility for your behaviour, actions and emotions as a result of those thoughts.

Changing negative thought patterns like any new skill is something that has to be learnt and applied on a daily basis until the hard wired negative pattern is broken and new thought patterns set in place to replace the old. Acknowledging that you are willing to want to change these thought patterns is the first step towards a healthier way of being as changing the negative thought patterns helps to shift the power from emotional to cognitive awareness and so helps you to be released from your emotions and negative beliefs.  Taking your thoughts captive is the key to changing negative thought patterns. Questioning a thought by bringing it into the open, examining it, challenging it and testing it you begin to understand:

1. where the thought has come from
2. why you think this way
3. whether this thought is still true and relevant for you today

It may seem strange at first but like any new skill it takes practice to change negative thinking. Remember that just as the body needs healthy food and exercise to function effectively, so the mind needs positive encouragement and truthful words to enable a healthy self image to develop.

Questions such as:

• Is this thought true/relevant in my life today?
• What evidence do I have that this thought is true?
• Who is telling me this thought is true?
• What have other people said/done to reinforce this belief?
• What am I achieving by believing this thought?
• How is this thought affecting me physically/emotionally/spiritually?
• Has my behaviour changed because of this thought?

As you answer these questions you may discover some resistance within yourself that says

• “I think negatively because I have been hurt”
• “I believe my thinking is realistic and justified”
• “I have always thought like this, there is no way I can change now”
• “I don’t believe anything positive about myself anyway, so the negative thoughts must be true”
• “I have been told that I’m no good… a failure… thick and stupid… all my life so it must be true”

Many thoughts are so deeply rooted that to believe them as an absolute truth seems the right thing to do as nothing appears to shift them anyway. However harbouring hurts by churning them over and over in your mind, can lead to depression, obsessive or avoiding behaviours, fear, anxiety, panic attacks and stress. And while you choose to keep hold of these thoughts you are also choosing to keep the painful event or situation alive.

Let’s look for a moment at our mind (thoughts, beliefs, values, experiences, memory etc) as a garden and the negative thoughts as a persistent weed. The weed enters the garden uninvited and sets its roots deep into the ground, it then spreads its seeds into other parts of our garden and other people’s gardens (how other people view us and the opinion they have of who we are) to ensure its survival. Unconcerned with the affect it is having on the good soil and cultivated plants, it takes all the nourishment for itself so it can continue to set its roots deeper and deeper within the garden and establish itself as part of the landscape. Trying all manner of ways to rid the garden of this pest it continues to thrive because no matter how much we try to dig it out, it has established new places to grow and is determined to remain in the garden.

Our negative uninvited thoughts are just like these weeds they thrive on our emotional needs and feed on our hurts, fears and insecurities, sapping our strength and ability to continue the digging and weeding process. As weeding takes time, effort, energy and hard work we often forfeit our relationships, our health and our purpose in life because of the effort needed to change these deep rooted thoughts.

However the good news is that the weeding out process (self awareness) which brings the thought to the surface can be further helped by an application of “weed killer” to prevent the weeds returning. This is step two in the process, which involves applying a healthier more realistic way of thinking on a regular basis so that the change in thinking becomes the new thought pattern. The replacing of thoughts is a key part of the process because just like in the garden if we leave the soil (our minds) unattended and plant free, the weeds will soon come back and take up residence again. Replanting the soil by exchanging weeds (negative thoughts) for cultivated plants (positive, healthy, realistic thinking) results in the weeds (negative thoughts) having no emotional energy to feed on and with nothing to attach themselves to they are forced to move out and allow for changes in thinking to take place.

Example:

The thought: “It’s all my fault”

• ADD a word and negate “It’s NOT all my fault = “It’s NOT my fault”
• ADD the truth “If something is my fault, I will confess it & be forgiven”
• FEEL the emotion … Forgiveness – released from shame and guilt

The thought: “I will never make it”

• DROP a word and negate “I will make it”
• ADD the truth “I have made it this far & I will continue to make it”
• FEEL the emotion … Confidence, Satisfaction

You may find when you begin this technique that you are not able to believe any positives about yourself at first, however as you persevere, these long established, deep rooted thought patterns will begin to be broken as you “weed” out and challenge the lies. You may also become aware of several negative thoughts at the same time, however it is best to choose to change just one thought at a time, rather than attempt too much all at once.

Speaking truth to yourself from a relevant and realistic perspective is the final stage of thinking yourself healthy. Breaking free from old messages and thought patterns takes time (sometimes years) and effort and you need to practice repeating the truth to yourself on a regular basis. You might want to think of this technique in a similar way to a doctor prescribing tablets for an ailment i.e. “speak truth to yourself 3-4 times per day … speak truth to yourself every 4 hours … speak truth to yourself every day until you notice a difference”.

You may find this tool useful in helping you to S.P.E.A.K the changes in your thinking

Start slowly and gently by changing one thought at a time.

Practice what you are learning. Find ways of using your new thinking to help you reinforce the new messages.

Encourage yourself when the going gets tough, by letting go of negative false labels e.g. “I am stupid” “I can’t do this” and replace them with realistic positive statements e.g. “I have the ability to achieve this” “I will continue even when things seem difficult”

Ask a trusted friend to help you when you feel stuck or want to give up.

Keep a record of the thoughts and feelings you want to change. Then as you begin the process of change you will have a reminder of how far you have come.

And finally

I started this article using verses from the Bible to illustrate how important God’s instructions are, for us to focus our thinking in the right way. As a Christian I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God and is as relevant and true today as it was when it was written. I have found time and time again my life’s journey has taken me to places where I have been challenged to change my own thinking and heart attitude. It has been through the power of the Holy Spirit and a personal love relationship with God through the person of Jesus Christ that has enabled me to fully accept myself and change my thinking.

**Proverbs 23:6-7 says… Do not eat the bread of a selfish man,
Or desire his delicacies;
For as he thinks within himself, so he is.
He says to you, “Eat and drink!”
But his heart is not with you. (OT)

These verses show how we can become what we focus on, and think about. The outward appearance seems generous but the heart is selfish. God by His spirit wants to change us from the inside so that our heart agrees with what we display to others on the outside. Whether we have a belief in God or not the spiritual part of our being is affected by how much we dwell (think) on the right or wrong things. God is more interested in the heart than in the outward appearance…

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45 (NT)

Having a belief in a God of love, redemption and forgiveness, is not essential in the process of changing thinking, however accepting God knows you, loves you, has the best for you and wants to help you by showing himself to you, in ways that will benefit and bless your life can certainly aid the process. Choosing to think the right way therefore is not only a discipline of the mind but is also a spiritual act of obedience, love and worship to God.

Maybe as you have been reading this today you have been prompted to begin the process of change in your thinking and to …

*”Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Isaiah 43: v 18 (OT)

If you would like to speak to someone in confidence about any of the issues raised in this article, visit our contact us page or phone 024 7660 3444 where a member of the Skylight team will be happy to talk to you, answer your questions and pray with you.

REMEMBER: You have a choice in every situation;

• the choice to change or stay the same
• the choice to punish yourself or be kind to yourself
• the choice to remain locked into negative thought patterns or free to explore new ways of thinking.

*Bible verses taken from the New International Version (NIV).

** Bible verses taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB)

(NT) = New Testament (OT) = Old Testament